


To Lie With You And Yet Not Lie With You

by Transistance



Series: Incompatible [5]
Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Asexuality, Attempted Sex, F/M, Lack of Communication, No Sex, Not Actually Unrequited Love, One-Sided Attraction, Sex Repulsion, Will is a Mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-09
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 19:58:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4535337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Transistance/pseuds/Transistance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They had both always just assumed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Lie With You And Yet Not Lie With You

“...You're not enjoying this, are you?”

He lay beneath her, very still, and his eyes flicked open as he answered. “...No.” A brief hesitation; a blank silence. Then, quietly, “Sorry.”

Warmth and contact and damp fabric between skin; wet lips and light hands - the sensations were all as natural as any physical intimacy could be, and yet somewhere along the line she had lost her lover to the night. He looked strangely fragile when seen like this - the loss of his glasses had negated all sense of authority from his face, and the expression that had replaced them was hesitant and uncomfortable. It was wrong, wrong, all wrong.

It had not been wrong earlier. No, earlier they had been right; he had accompanied her home and actually accepted the invitation in, and although he had said nothing there had been a quiet expectancy in his manner that she took to mean he had felt it was time to deepen their relationship. And she had been right – kissing him had provoked a response, causing him to open out to her in a way that she had never quite believed he would.

Will had pressed himself against her, moving gently to match their mouths, his hands tight in her hair and running down her shoulders and back as though exploring. And Grell had loved the feeling, because it was easy and in no way rushed and that meant that he wanted to do things _right_ rather than just jump her bones. He made no motion of protest when she slid her hands under his shirt, feeling the tension in his muscles that she hadn't realized at the time stemmed from a completely different emotion than that which she had assumed. She took her time, revelling in the fact that he was allowing her this most intimate form of knowing him.

Breaking away from him was difficult, because he felt so good and this was _Will_ , but it had to be done. He raised his eyebrows at her questioningly as she did so, so she kissed his forehead and eased his glasses from his face. “There,” she had murmured. “That's better. Here... Wait here a minute, will you? I'm just going to get – you know.”

He nodded once, wordlessly, and she felt his gaze on her as she left the room. Through the corridor and in her own room she picked up the items she needed and then stopped, and stood for a moment.

_Going to sleep with Will. After so long I am actually, really going to sleep with him._

It was a difficult thought to comprehend. But comprehend it she could – and had – and came suddenly to the decision that her work attire was not appropriate for what they were about to do.

Stripping herself down was one thing that she had had a remarkable amount of practice at, and speed-choosing clothes was another. It didn't take long for a conclusion to be reached – with eyesight like William's, especially in the dark, appearance didn't matter. Sensation was the only key. Textured or sheer? Sheer – silk that would glide like water through his hands, and fishnets to provide some slight tactility. The night-dress was short – it barely covered half the length of her thighs – and she could feel her skin's sudden longing for the caress of this lover's hands, the motion and fulfilment of his desire.

She had really, really hoped that he would enjoy her.

And now he was still and silent, head turned to one side as though ashamed, avoiding her gaze. She had guided the position when it had became clear that he was going to make no move to lead, assuming that he just wanted to be below her, for whatever reason. That was no big deal. She had rocked her hips against his and kissed his neck and watched him withdraw into himself, becoming more and more unresponsive with every touch. This wasn't supposed to happen, and eventually she had just stopped, and asked.

His answer was upsetting, and she finally recognised that the tangible thumping of his heart was not because he was aroused, and the sharpness of his breaths was not because he was experiencing anything pleasurable, and that the sweat on his skin was not a positive.

“...Do you want me to stop?”

“Please.”

It seemed a long time that they sat like that, in the quiet darkness of her home, her straddling his waist as though it belonged between her legs, loose hair falling in a crimson mess over his white chest and he just lying there, clearly trying to suppress the sudden need for air in his lungs. Eventually he said, “I'm... sorry. Grell, I'm so sorry,” and she shook her head, still confused as to what was wrong.

She wanted him to make love to her. She wanted him to mount her like an animal and pleasure himself on her body; wanted him to take her, have her as his own. She wanted him to be closer to her than he'd ever been, closer than this, and for him to feel that she feel _right_ when he was within her, bodies as one and souls perhaps as close.

He clearly didn't, at all.

“Will,” she breathed. “What's wrong?”

He shifted slightly beneath her, clearly uncomfortable, the subtle movement against her thighs gorgeous, and murmured something that was lost to the night.

“What did you say?”

“I said – I - ” he drew in another sudden shaking breath, chest jerking to accommodate it, and she frowned, beginning to note the extent of how badly the situation was affecting him.

“Listen, Will, calm down. Look, I'm not going to do anything to you. We don't have to have sex right now. Just... calm down, okay? Shh.” She hesitated for a moment and then moved off him, instead curling up by his side. “Is this better?”

He was silent, eyes closed again now, face full of malcontent. “...Do you want me to leave, Grell?”

She would never admit that in that moment of silence she did consider it. If he wasn't going to sleep with her then what purpose did he have here?

“No,” she said. “No, not unless you aren't comfortable staying. I want you to tell me what I did wrong.”

“What you-?” One eye cracked open again, and then the other, and distress filled them both. “No, you didn't... This isn't your fault.”

 _What on earth do you mean by that?_ “Is it my body? You're not into..?”

He sighed suddenly and deeply, and looked away again. “I don't think it's you. I don't know. I don't want to... I really, really do not want to have sex with you. I... thought I did.”

Grell reached out to touch his cheek, and was relieved that he didn't flinch away. His words hurt her a little, but the hopeless confusion that filled them suggested that they hurt him more. “Then why did you think that?”

“Because I...” he trailed off, and she felt her heart leap at the words. _Because you..?_ “I have _feelings_ for you. And because you are _beautiful_ , the first person I have ever been able to honestly describe as being so, and I assumed that that would make this... easy. Instinctive. It was supposed to be the right thing to do.”

Was that bitterness in his tone aimed at her or himself? But it didn't matter, because he had feelings for her, but that didn't matter because he had made some mistake tonight, whether he would explain it to her or not. “You should have told me... If you didn't want to go this far, Will, you should've said something, I wouldn't... God, you weren't doing this purely to keep me happy, were you?”

“I... Yes. And no. I didn't... I thought I could enjoy this. Because you're supposed to- it's supposed to-” He was _stammering,_ in the worst state she had ever seen him, and a moment of realization allowed her to put two and two together and understand some of what he was trying to clarify, and it shocked her.

“ _Wait_ , are you saying- You mean I- This is your first time? You? The esteemed William T. Spears, you've never..?” Her incredulity forced a short laugh from the back of her throat. “Figures, I guess. I knew you were more into paperwork than people.”

“...Sorry to disappoint.” Her reaction to that knowledge seemed to calm him a little, and he managed a small huff of faux amusement. “I don't know why you thought I would have, honestly. You know I have never exactly been close to anyone.”

“But you don't need to be _close_ to people to bed them, Will - I just assumed... _Sorry_.”

“Don't you apologize to me.” Again he fell into a melancholic silence, and then asked, very quietly, “...What is wrong with me?”

“...What do you mean? There's nothing wrong with you.”

He shook his head, brow creased, and then turned on his side to finally look at her properly, their bodies very close. “I'm shaking, Grell. The prospect of... sleeping with someone should not throw me so much.”

“That's just because you've never done this before, lots of people get nervy the first time round – it's okay, Will. You'll settle. You'll be fine.”

“It's not just this, though,” he said slowly, and she felt her stomach drop. “I don't... I don't think I experience... I don't know. You always make everything so sexual, and I always thought you did it mostly for shock value, but it's occurring to me now that everyone...” He seemed to be grasping at straws to define a concept that he either didn't understand or didn't want to voice, and she wondered again if it was due to her being... well, herself.

“I don't think I experience sexual attraction,” whispered William, miserable and confused, and Grell felt the last strands of hope in her heart slither away.

“Oh,” she said. “You're... oh. Well. Fancy you leading me on all this time and never telling me _that_.” Broken laughter seemed to be the best thing to back up how she felt about this, so she let it out, and Will looked at her as though she had betrayed him.

“I didn't _know_ ,” he hissed, and it was suddenly apparent that he was far, far too close to breaking down. _No, no, it's okay... It's not okay, but it's fine, really..._ “I don't understand why that is _funny_ , I don't understand how I can- why you- I don't know why I am like this, I-”

 _Why are you freaking out?_ “Calm down, Will, you're just asexual. It's not a big deal. I shouldn't be surprised. You shouldn't be surprised. Don't freak out on me, hm?” She shifted her position to loop her arm around his waist and pull him close to her, but he resisted. He was staring at her as though she had grown a second head.

“...I'm just... what?”

“A...sexual? You just said you were.”

“...Asexual,” he repeated, like a child with a new word – but as soon as she had thought that she realized that there was every possibility that to him, it _was_ a new word. 'I didn't know.' _Oh no_. “And that just means..?”

“It just means you aren't sexually attracted to anyone. You didn't know that?”

He shook his head, mute, and frowned at her, a barrage of emotions at war in his expression. “What does this mean in terms of... you?”

_Why the hell do you think I'll be ready to answer that now? Why the hell do you think I'll be ready to answer that so explicitly_ ever _?_ “Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but it's looking like it means you won't have sex with me. It's looking like I should be feeling very, very guilty about a century of hounding after you, and like you'll finally realize why everyone just thinks you're a prude. But it doesn't change anything about you, knowing this.”

“So you... You don't... mind?”

“I don't _mind_?” she echoed, and felt her composure split very suddenly. “ _Darling_ , I am more devastated by this news than I have been for _years_! You think that because I can accept that I can't do anything about this it makes it any less difficult to deal with? You think that I would have pursued you so faithfully for a _century_ of my life waiting for this night if I had known it would turn out like _this_?! I _mind_ , Will! I mind quite a lot! But do you know what?” Grell broke off, upset that she had allowed herself to become so short with him when he was clearly in a state of emotional disquiet. Letting her voice drop to something softer, she met his eyes, and tried to explain. “You know what, Will? I remember the first time that _I_ \- Listen. I am very, very glad that you did not pretend this to be fine.”

“Why would I..?”

She looked at him, able to discern the blank confusion in his eyes, a loose end that she had never seen in him before, and suddenly she realized that he was bloody _naïve_ . And that annoyed her more than any single action he had ever made.

“To hide yourself for social pressure, normality and conformity? To bury yourself for the sake of others, to pretend to be something that you aren't because you cannot face their judgement, to strive to be just like the rest because you know, Will, you _know_ how people look down on an oddity. Because it would have been _easy_ to let me lie with you and pretend to enjoy it because it is so, _so_ much easier to be someone else because if you are yourself and your self is different you will be treated like _me,_ like _dirt_ , no matter who you have or have not slept with, no matter how _good_ you are at your job or anything else, because you are an outsider and you will never be seen as being as good as someone normal, because-”

“ _Grell._ ” The hoarseness in his voice shocked her because it meant that she had shocked him, ranting at him like that. _Stupid thing to do._ They were both aware that she had left the track of discussing his situation to cry about her own, but instead of berating her for it – as he had always done, _every_ time she had tried to talk to him in the past – he looked as though her words had moved him. This was confirmed by the assurance he gave her, novel in its uselessness. “Come to me if people do that to you – I can help.”

He meant it –  _god_ , he meant it! She almost laughed again, but held her breath and only spoke instead. That he wanted to aid her was undeniably touching, but it was, as he never was, late. Too late.

“Oh, my _love_ \- it's been a hundred years! The damage was done long, long ago, and you did _noth_ ing to stop it then, and you can do nothing to soothe it now.”

She smiled at him, false as water, but knew that he likely could see nothing more than the white of her teeth. And he said nothing, so she said nothing, and then she realized that she still had an answer to give.

There was no reason to say anything further, no need to burden him with more of her thoughts – and yet the words sat heavy on her chest, a spring-trap waiting to be released. Because they never had been, and she had always thought that they never would be, and yet they coiled on the edge of her tongue, sour and restrained.

So, having taken the time to stay silent, she confessed; murmured the agitated secret that might help him finally understand, in one long trail of breath.

“...Okay. Listen. I am happy for you; I am _happy_. I am happy because you were true to yourself where I wasn't, okay? _I_ lost my virginity to a woman. An honest-to-god female who I had never been attracted to but happened to be with; I walked into her house that night knowing that it was wrong but not knowing why, because it was _supposed_ to feel right, it was _supposed_ to be good, and if _every_ one said so how could it not be true? I did what was expected of me and I hated every moment of it, and I waited until after it was _done_ to express my disgust, and she called me a _freak_ and a _fag_ and threw me from her house. And I am _overjoyed_ that you, tonight, have not made the same stupid, senseless mistake I did then. I _know_ how cruel people are about differences, and I cannot bring myself to impart that cruelty onto you, regardless of how put out by this I am. You understand?”

He lay very quiet, his spring-green eyes boring holes into hers, and after a moment repeated, “But do you  _want_ me to leave?”

She groaned loudly, tired and suddenly absolutely done with the night, and tightened her hold on his body. “ _No_. I want you to stay here, because I can enjoy your company without enjoying your more physical attributes. You are more than welcome to sleep with me even if you don't want to _sleep_ with me, Will, if you want me at all.”

“...Of course I want to be with you.” His voice dropped into a sigh and to her mild surprise she felt his arms snake around her waist, hugging her close to him as though her presence were a source of great comfort. And perhaps it was – making discoveries of one's self were never easy, and it did help to have someone close at hand who could sympathize, even if only a little. Everyone deserved that helping hand that she had never had.

The breath of the man she loved warmed her skin, a slight unhappiness still clouding his otherwise perfect face, and she wished that his hands didn't feel quite so good through the silk on her back, and that his body didn't feel quite so proper being no distance from hers. It was the situation she had always and never dreamed of, and it was all right and it was all wrong.

“...Grell?” he murmured, voice low and beautiful.

“Mhm?”

“I think there may be a... possibility that I am in love with you.”

 _Took you long enough, darling._ “I think there may be a possibility that I'm in love with you too,” she replied, and only then stopped to wonder if she was sincere.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Do you ever write something out several times and it still doesn't read as quite _right_ but it's like 60% right and you've been at it for too long to really mind so much? Yeah.
> 
> Probably too much dialogue.
> 
> For the record, because I'm sure _some_ of you if not the majority will draw assumptions due to your own inherent allosexuality - and that's fine, it can't be helped - I'm not writing Will's apathy as a side effect of his asexuality, nor vise versa. The sex-repulsion that I'm writing him with - and it is sex-repulsion, not inexperience or fear, just straight up _repulsion_ \- is not an inherent feature of asexuality, but is a common one.
> 
> In other news did you know that not one of you, not a single one of you has _ever_ posted a kuroshitsuji fic with an ace character in it before on this site? Ever? With the closest things to being _"Face it, Will, you're asexual!"_ being hurled down William's throat as an insult in one fic and "He told her that he didn't think that he'd ever been attracted to anyone before, and she laughed" in another (and the occasional marketing of a Sebastian who doesn't find humans attractive due to the species difference). Which, speaking as a _wildly_ asexual individual, was more than a little upsetting.
> 
> But there you go.


End file.
